Faked Alaska - Toddlers & Tiaras - June 29, 2011

Gazetters, I am going to let you in on a little secret.  As I watch the TLC show, Toddlers & Tiaras, I imagine the whole time that this is not reality television and that this is scripted by someone as creative and delusional as the writers of Lost (a new addiction of mine that I bandwagoned a tad too late).  This is how I sleep at night after watching this show.

Tonight's episode featured a brother and sister duo, Braxton and Alaska.  Their mother, Lori, complete with her own striped nail polish, dropped gems such as "You're not a stripper but shake your butt a little bit" and three words to describe Alaska would be "pain in the butt" (yes, I said three words).  Lori was also obsessed with stating in many different ways that if Braxton had pigtails, he could win any girls' competition (hopefully all this pageant gold will pay off some obvious future therapy bills for these kids).

While filling out Alaska's competition forms, her dad was trying to figure out what to put in the Ambitions category.  Alaska cutely piped in that she wants to be a doctor, but her dad said something about making a man happy someday.  Oh, how far we've come.

Braxton and Alaska, photo from etonline.com
(only pic I can find, it actually is not a video) 

For those of you new to the pageant world and looking to this blog to expand your vocabulary with words you'll never use, I introduce you to the word: "flipper."  A flipper (see image below) is a removable partial denture, and clearly a central element to competitions involving four to ten year olds.   Lori went the extra mile and bleached her children's teeth.  Parent of the year.

photo from mynewsmile.com

The pageant this week was called Stars and Cars.   The big drama involved Braxton's CD not playing when it was his turn to go on (I believe his mother, Lori, referred to this moment as "hell") but all was well in the world when Braxton's dad found a computer to play it (welcome to 2011).  Braxton ended up winning the 4th place equivalent and once a second place winner was announced, Alaska started to have some doubts.   T&T then showed a clip of a sad Alaska stating that she can always get it next year.  But then - the announcer (who was both bald and had a mohawk) stated that there was actually a tie for second place and the other recipient was Alaska!  


I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll see of this family...

photo from magic-mural-factory.com

Are you there Bobby Flay? It's me, M2!

I am a huge fan of The Next Food Network Star.  Apparently now it is just called "Food Network Star."  Was "The Next" too burdensome? 

Anyway, this show has everything going for it, as far as I'm concerned.  It combines my love of two things very near and dear to my heart: reality TV and food.

But this begs the question that I ask you loyal readers - am I the only one who watches this?

I've asked people before, and they've never even heard of it!

In fact, I went to a South Beach Food and Wine event a few months ago, and ran into Aria from last season of The Next Food Network Star (it was still "The Next" back then).  I was starstruck!  You'd have thought I was meeting Brad Pitt.  And I seemed like the only one who cared.  It was sad, really.  But she was great and we had a deep, meaningful conversation about nail polish that I will always remember.

This season on the newly "re-vamped" "Food Network Star", I could not let the season go by without discussing this guy:

This is Chris.  You remember him don't you?  Come on, of course you do!  He tried to get you drunk in college and then convince you he was an astronaut and had just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Yes, he's everyone's favorite frat guy and the judges do not like it.  It seems as though he knows his way around the kitchen, but he's not going to last much longer.  However, it's quite entertaining to watch him try.  He's like a 3rd grader who forgot to take their ADD medicine, and wants to make it all better by blaming it on his frattiness (who says that can't that be a word?).

So now, I ask you - Am I the only one watching this show?!?! 

And if the answer is yes, I suggest you tune in ASAP so that you, too, can awkwardly get excited about seeing a barely-even-D-list celebrity and have an extremely memorable conversation about nail polish.

Bentley's Making Things Go Hong Wrong - Bachelorette - 7x06 - June 27, 2011

I hope this post is the last time Bentley's name will ever be mentioned on The Gibbler Gazette (with the exception of the Men Tell All episode and obscure references to him years down the line - i.e. Bachelorette Season 52, Space People Edition "That martian reminds me of Bentley from Ashley's season.").

photos from abc.com and penguinjoker.wordpress.com

With that said, thank goodness the producers got the Bentley business out of the way right at the beginning (after two weeks of teasers for this episode - we have not forgotten!).  During Chris Harrison and Ashley's heart-to-heart, Chris told Ashley that Bentley is in the hotel and Ashley needs to go see him and push him for details.  Her response? "I have to pull it out of his throat." Remind me that she will never be my dentist.

photo from graphicsfactory.com

The talk with Bentley was awkward, pointless and finally over.  I'm not sure what part of the conversation convinced Ashley that he was worthless but at least she gets it and has moved on (or so she says).  She did mention to him that he should have just called.  Given his video diary sessions from prior episodes, of COURSE he is the guy who would take a free trip to Hong Kong (and he gets his own room?!) just to break up with her ... again.

The one-on-one date with Lucas had its moments, but he just isn't the right guy for her.  He prefers cheeseburgers over local food and has never been to New York.  He did make a reference to their boat being like a pirate ship, which seemed so very Lucas.

Group date time!  Time for the boys to go dragon boat racing and they were divided into teams:

• Constantine and Ben F. - separated at birth, I officially cannot tell them apart (see below)
• Blake and Ryan - the mortal enemies (Blake called Ryan "annoying" and "extremely exuberant" to the video diary - oooh the drama!)
• Ames and Mickey - the remaining guys

photo from buddytv.com

Ashley gave Ryan the rose on the date, sending the other 5 guys into deep despair.  

Ashley's one-on-one date with JP went perfectly, but she had to use the cliché lines about "steps" and "moving forward" to express her interest in JP.  Stay tuned for a Bachelor/Bachelorette dictionary in weeks or months to come.  It will only contain 5-7 phrases, which have been used at least 1,000 times in the series.

Right before the rose ceremony, Ashley decided to tell all the guys about her meeting with Bentley.  That did not go as planned.  Ashley thought she was cleaning her hands of the mess that has consumed episodes one through five, but given the guys' reaction to her news, his presence isn't leaving any time soon.  Mickey, who has barely said a sentence on the entire show, delivered a soliloquy to Ashley about honesty and how he doesn't trust her any more - and then he left the show.  

M-I-C (See you real soon) K-E-Y (Why? We never really liked you!)

Ashley's speech to the guys was heartfelt and genuine and luckily they all ate it up and  decided to stay (or Bachelor Pad might have to start sooner than originally planned!).  The man sent home for the evening (after an exceptionally long pause and twisting of the rose) was Blake the dentist.  Guess they won't be completing proper dental hygiene together!

Pomp and Song-and-Dance

Attention all readers: Glee students will not be in high school for 7-10 years, unlike some of our favorite shows of the past (9021-uh oh they're getting old!).

Anyone who was in the glee club since its inception last year is set to graduate next season according to the show's producers.  What does this mean for Glee?  Will Vitamin C's "Graduation" be invading our airwaves next May?  Did the kids learn enough in Schue's spanish class (does he EVER teach?) to ace their Spanish SAT IIs?   Will Puck be one credit shy of graduating a la Zack Morris and have to take ballet to receive his diploma?  Let us know what you think!

photo from gleeforum.com

TKO - Bachelorette, 6/20/2011

So far, this season of the Bachelorette has left me yelling at my TV more often than during the 2010 Gator football season!  Yikes!

Really, what is Ashley thinking?  I get that she fell hard for Bentley, but time to move on and face the fact that you have a handful of great guys who actually want to be with you!

End rant.

Monday's episode was...um.... interesting to say the least.  First there was the one-on-one date with Ben F. at the Thai temple. 

Ben F. seems pretty legit, and let's not forget that he MAKES wine!  However, this scene was super awkward.  "I really want to kiss you, but we can't because of some made up rules about being near a Thai temple, so let's just awkwardly stare at each other instead of walking a few feet away from the temple where we can actually kiss."

Does this remind anyone of anything?

Come on Ben F. and Ashley - you should know better.  You can't have a "secret girlfriend" who you give kisses to in your mind when you're on national television!  Even Walter "Duckface" would have picked up on this.

Next came the group date.  The GENIUS production crew at ABC had the excellent idea to pit 9 men, who are already competing for one woman, to beat the crap out of each other.  Really? Why don't we just start a Fight Club Reality Show, and while we're at it, all "your mom" jokes are fair game.

Whose idea could this have been?  And does that person still have a job at ABC?  If I wanted to combine my love for reality TV with wrestling, I'd have tuned in when Snookie was taking her shot in the Wrestlemania ring.  But I didn't. 

But, props to JP, the "Jewish guy from Long Island" who somehow, some way, beat Mickey!  Go him!

Poor Ames.  That guy is a trooper.  First the pink shorts, then a concussion.  It was pretty cute though when he told Ashley that the hospital said he was "in love."  Cheesy, but cute, considering the circumstances.

Next came the two-on-one date, which, in all honesty, I have nothing to say about.  Who am I kidding? I always have something to say.  In the end, Ashley made the right choice in sending both guys home.  BUT, she should have at least given that Ben guy the benefit of the doubt.  When William told her Ben had been talking smack, she should have confronted Ben about it and asked him to tell her the real deal.  Why put so much faith in William?  Who is that guy anyway? He has a new personality every episode, and he told you to your face that he wished you were Emily!!!

Then we get to the cocktail party.  Ashley looked beautiful the entire episode (hello abs!), until the cocktail party.  Did her hair stylist have the night off?  You could see every single hair extension root - not classy.  Her hair had "hot mess" written all over it.

In the end, the final decision came down to this:  soul patch (or is that a birth mark?) vs. solar panel. 



As a good environmentally conscious person should have done, Ashley chose solar panels and kept Ryan.  Goodbye to you, Nick.  Let's save the hair highlights for the ladies, ok?

Next week's episode looks....absurd.  Bentley is in the same hotel?!? GASP!!  So what you're telling me is that ABC paid Bentley to fly out to Hong Kong to be an @ss all over again?  If I were Ashley, I'd be pissed.  But then again, it's what "the heart wants."  Maybe she could use a good transplant. 

No More Chasing Rainbows

Chris Lambton (runner up on Ali Fedotowsky's season) is engaged to Peyton Wright (Andy Baldwin's season and 1st season of Bachelor Pad)!  Congrats!  Wish these Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions were televised.

photo from chrisali.webs.com

(left to right: Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart, Chris, Peyton)

Every party has a pooper....

TMZ  has reported that the Father of the Bride house is on the market!!!

If any of you are planning a wedding, I think this would be the perfect venue!  Just hire Franc and Howard Weinstein, Macaulay Culkin's 10-year-old brother to valet cars for your guests, and a few swans to adorn the front lawn and you are set!  And let's not forget the lace covered sneakers, as any bride should have such fancy footwear for her special day.

Oh, and if anyone actually does purchase this house to hold their wedding, I demand an invite!

No Milkman But There Was a Paperboy: Full House Theme Song Analysis

 The Full House theme song actually foreshadowed quite a bit of the episodes to come on the show. There were a few versions of the theme song in the 8 seasons of the show but let's take a look at the one below:   What ever happened to predictability?   You ask the question, viewers, you will receive a show full of it!  Every problem that wasn't resolved in thirty minutes got a part two added to it and was resolved in sixty.
The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV  I don't think they had a milkman, but Ricky was the paper boy that DJ was in love with!  And when the show first began Danny worked as a sports anchor for a local evening TV station.
You miss your old familiar friends, but waiting just around the bend.  We (especially Michelle) all missed Teddy when he moved to Texas and we (especially Danny) all missed Vicky when she moved to New York.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)  Steve Urkel helped Stephanie deal with her new four-eyed self when she got glasses!
There's a heart (there's a heart)
A hand to hold on to. Fun fact: Mary-Kate Olsen is left-handed and Ashley Olsen is right-handed so that is why Michelle is ambidextrous.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a face of somebody who needs you. There was a nerd, Walter, in season one whom Stephanie befriended thanks to Uncle Jesse and everyone called him a duckface.  Stephanie becomes Mrs. Duckface.

When you're lost out there and you're all alone  Who can forget when Comet was lost in San Francisco for a day?  Fun fact: Comet's Excellent Adventure was the only episode shot in SF.
A light is waiting to carry you home  Luckily when Michelle fell off her horse in the first of the final two episodes, she did not see a light waiting to carry her home.  And she regained her memory and all was good in the world!
Everywhere you look.  

video from youtube.com

How The West Was One - Bachelorette 7x04 - June 13, 2011

 My first paragraph will be dedicated to Bentley but then it is time to move on, just as Ashley should. 
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.  It appears that next week's mystery man behind the door (that they are leading us to believe is Bentley) SHOULD end up being the therapist from Brad's season.  Not that the man did Brad (or America) any good, and he did give the same trite advice that Chris Harrison gives, but it seems as though Ashley might need to get some sense knocked into her head from an outsider.  This girl needs to get over Bentley... (notice my use of the dot dot dot there?) fast.  He spoon fed her what she wanted to hear and left after a few episodes.  There are a handful of decent guys left that it is time for her to shift her attention toward.  Drive away Bentley, drive away.

Now onto the regularly scheduled blog...
Ashley's first date was with Constantine and the plan was to go on a boat and check out a private beach in Phuket, Thailand ("Let's 'sea' Phuket together" was the date card cleverness).  For dramatic (humorous?) effect, ABC had a man who appeared to only speak Thai come and tell Ashley and Constantine that the waves were too rough and they couldn't go out.  After an awkward game of charades, the man finally said something like "Big waves.  You cannot go out."  Oh ABC, the man spoke English all along!  You and your trickery...


The date went pretty well and Constantine and Ashley seem to get along well and have a connection.  They did stop a random man on the street (another ABC canned move) to ask him marriage advice when they saw he was wearing a wedding band.  Asked for key relationship advice the man said "Don't try to win."  I wonder if he was made aware that 25 men were competing for Ashley's affections and in fact, someone WILL win.

photo from buddytv.com

For all the random and awful first dates ABC has brought into our living rooms (flashbacks of a mock wedding in Vegas and a roast of the bachelorette haunt my mind), the network got it right with the group date.  Fixing up an orphanage for kids who lost their families in the tsunami was a nice alternative to the booze-filled, competitive, ego-minded (JabbaWockeeZ anyone?) group dates we usually get treated to.  

Watching the guys get into the idea that they can do some good was cute (so was JP's line that the guys would flirt later because they had a job to get done).  Ryan P. managed to tick off all the guys with his creepy cheerfulness and just like that, he became the new Show Villain.  Ben F. the wine guy showed off his creative side by quietly painting animals and flowers and it got Ashley's attention. 

Just as I was patting myself on the back for watching such a charitable television program (the orphanage KIDS came and the bachelorette and company played soccer and hula hoop with them!), we got to the nighttime portion of the date.  Booze a-plenty, one skimpy outfit and "the biggest rose as of yet" (said by Mickey in true Chris-Harrison-fashion - it was back to being the trashy tv show I've grown to adore.  

JP and Ashley got some one-on-one time under an umbrella and his stock is quickly rising in my book!  Even though JP gives Ashley the best kisses ("magical" ones), charity goes a long way because Ben F. the wine guy/painter got the rose (Ben F. was a fine choice but JP wouldn't have been bad either).  

photo from theashleysrealityroundup.com

Now on to the final one-on-one date of the evening.  Ames, the portfolio manager whose highlights include: he's spontaneous (last minute planner which girls always love), he's modest (told Ashley "oh stop it!" when she told him he looked good), he's well-traveled (been to 70 countries, not that he's counting) and he is interested in Ashley (sad that this is a highlight).  Ashley liked him by the end of the date but he hasn't added any value to MY portfolio yet.  

The actual date was exciting though - they went sea kayaking (rather, he kayaked, she sat) through these dark, beautiful caves.  This was followed by a Bachelorette sponsored picnic, complete with a shirtless Ames and two glasses of champagne.  Only ABC could make a beautiful, natural surrounding seem planned and cheesy.

photo from hellogiggles.com

Time for the rose ceremony!  Ashley decided it is time to break all the rules, and only send one man home instead of the scheduled two man oust.   Out of all of these charmers, who would be sent home?  

Ashley made time to talk to West and Ryan P.  Ryan P. defended his cheerfulness (I expect a violent outburst later in this season, possibly ending in someone getting punched in the face) and West unconvincingly told her that she wouldn't have to fill his wife's shoes and he was ready to move on from his last wife.  I'm not a big fan of Ryan P. any more (he started off so well!) but it was time for West to go.   And that is how the West was one...but not won, since there shouldn't be a winner in a relationship anyway according to the random Thai man.

Oh my lanta!!

TMZ reported that DJ Tanner visited the old Tanner Family digs today for the first time since shooting Full House.

Deej visiting the Full House home the same week we launch our blog?! Coincidence?  I think not!

Bentley. Enough said. Bachelorette - 6/6/2011

Wow.  Could TV find a bigger douchebag? 

I haven't felt this sympathetic for a TV character since Michelle Tanner fell off her horse and got temporary amnesia. 

And then, when I remember that Michelle Tanner is a fictitious person and Ashley Hebert is an actual human being, I get even sadder. 

All I can really say is that I'm glad, for Ashley's sake, that Bentley left when he did and didn't waste any more of her time.  She deserves someone better (like Ryan, or JP) to appreciate her perfect teeth, her amazing bod,  her freakishly amazing dancing abilities, and the fact that her sister is an extreme couponer and can probably get them great discounts on useless things like 400 jars of mustard.

And what it really boils down to is this:  who names their daughter Cozy anyway?!

Franklin & Bash (-ing my head in?): Pilot Episode

To say I was looking forward to this show is an understatement.  Zack Morris AND the Marvin the Martian, Egg McMuffin afficionado from Clueless? 
















In the immortal words of Charlie Sheen, this show had WINNER written all over it. 

But my excitement fell flat when this show did not live up to my expectations. 

The episode started out with a funny scene where Franklin & Bash (Breckin Meyer & Zack Morris (yes, I'm aware he has a real name... but really does anyone think of him as anything other than Zack Morris?) ) were sitting in a bar and waiting for a car accident to happen so they could run over to the car and get some lawyer-ing business.  First of all, this is not ok.  Lawyers have ethics rules (yes, really) and this is totally against them.  But, I digress.

The show was very cliche overall... with the plot being the typical gimick of "we are hard partying cool dudes but we're really smart and the whole law firm is going to become cool and love us b/c we are so smart and so good at being lawyers that the uptight corporate folk will totally forget that we like boobs and alcohol."  Come on TNT... we all saw the episode of Fresh Prince where Will gets hired by some corporate suit guy and by the end of the episode, the guy is wearing a backwards hat and giving people fist bumps. 

This doesn't happen in real life.  I wish it did... but it doesn't.  And since I've already seen it happen on TV... I just wasn't interested in seeing it again.  Thanks Franklin & Bash for the sad reminder that in real life, my law firm will not laud me for violating ethics rules, having a witness wear a hooker outfit to court, and loving boobs and booze.  Sigh.

Speaking of cliches, Franklin & Bash have an indian guy as an intern who is germaphobic (a la Danny Tanner) and agoraphobic (a la Joan Cusack from Shameless).  Combine those characteristics and attribute them to an indian guy and you get Raj from Big Bang Theory, only less funny and endearing. 

In the positive department, we did get to see Zack Morris's butt, which I've already seen in Weeds... but let's be honest, it's never too much of Zack Morris's butt. 

I may give episode 2 a shot just to see if the show gets anymore realistic (and because I can't deny my enormous crush on Zack Morris and my strong desire to be the next Kelly Kapowski [he just got a divorce, it could happen!!])...but I'm not hopeful. 

Til Next Monday Do Us Part... - Bachelorette 7x02 - May 30, 2011

Every season, the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise seems to outdo itself and finds ways to become the most dramatic, most memorable, most intense, most emotional season YET.  Chris Harrison never gets old with his announcement of the final rose for the night, his occasional brightly colored shirts and of course, his sticking to the book of reality television cliches. 

photo from igossip.com

This season, we're graced with the third place winner (runner up? second runner up?  Let's go with winner because she didn't end up with Brad and that really IS winning) from last season's Bachelor, Ashley Hebert.  I leave you with some questions that are burning in my mind after watching these two hours:  Why oh why would Ashley get rid of Ryan M., who is around her age and resembles Tim Tebow just a tad, but keep the Man in the Not-So-Iron Mask?   How does Bentley ever plan on getting another girlfriend when he is done with this show?   Does Ashley realize that just saying "I do" does not legally bind you to another person (producers, please show her what a marriage license is before she walks down the aisle with her Final Rose Man)?   Did Mickey think just because he received a rose that a lime green shirt was acceptable rose ceremony attire?


I must add that I think the producers are running out of date ideas because the faux wedding ("fedding," if you will) was awkward and disturbing, so if they were trying to accomplish those elements of a first date - kudos. 

photo from latimesblogs.latimes.com

The preview for next week looks like we are already skipping to the Ali/Frank debacle at the end of the last Bachelorette season - and we're only on episode 3!  Maybe this will be the most dramatic season YET...

We're So Excited....

We're so..... Scared!


But we're not hopped up on caffeine pills to make sure we ace our geometry test.  Thankfully we will still be able to perform with Hot Sundae.  WHEW!


This blog is coming soon to a computer near you and we are PUMPED!  Get ready for intellectual, analytical insight into the important things in life - - - quality television shows from the past, present and future (ok, maybe not future... we're not that good).  Some people may call the shows we love "trash."  BLASPHEMY!  The shows we love are gems of the small screen and deserve all the glory we intend to give them.

Keep checking for updates, and feel free to ask us to analyze the burning questions you have about your favorite shows!