Brock and Roll - Toddlers and Tiaras, July 6, 2011

Last night I undertook the task of watching Toddlers & Tiaras.  While I'll admit I've dabbled in watching this show before, I've never sat through an entire episode.  I certainly was under the impression this show would be 30 minutes, and not an entire hour of the trainwreck it was.  But I endured the hour, and came up with some fascinating observations.

First and foremost, I could not write about Toddlers & Tiaras without discussing the Pageant Director and the other pageant personnel, including the judges.  First off, how does one get these jobs?  Second of all, are the hair and makeup people prohibited from working on the pageant personnel?  Seriously!  Do they try to look like crap, as not to "upstage" the small supermodels?  It's sad, really.  But, I digress.

My next burning observation involved the world of children's competitive sports, in general.  I was under the impression that kids this age played tee ball.  You know, a sport that doesn't keep score in order to foster the competitive spirit, but not to make anyone else feel bad.  Whatever happened to the generic blue ribbon of participation, that every kid got, just for showing up, as to make sure everyone was treated equally.

 

Image courtesy of Cracked.com

Clearly, Savannah and her family never heard of such a thing.  Nor have they ever head the old adage "a quitter never wins."  Savannah "quit pageants" because she lost once.  Let's have a round of applause for Savannah's mom, for teaching her daughter the lesson that when the going gets tough, you can just drop out.  Then again, Savannah's mom wore a "Team Edward" t-shirt throughout the entire pageant, so maybe we shouldn't give her that much credit.

Image courtesy of www.gothicalchemist.com

Then we had Sydney.  Sydney was known as the "title stealer".  By who, I have no idea.  Apparently there were also "rumors" that Sydney "couldn't pull off glitz."  Once again, these rumors have not made it to me yet.  And trust me, I read TMZ daily.  I know rumors.

Image courtesy of www.daylife.com

Sydney also went tanning, as seems par for the course for a "full glitz" pageant.  Her tanning specialist was told they were going to go "very dark."  Seems to me that if this is what it takes to be a pageant winner, Snookie's got these things in the bag, no? 

Image courtesy of www.ehow.com

Last, but certainly not least, we had Brock.  The sole male competitor.  Brock was a self-proclaimed Diva, and he loved everything.  He loved spray tanning, and he loved dancing.  But most of all, Brock loved his best friends, his dolls, Lexi and Rebecca.  I kid you not.

Image courtesy of aolnews.com

I'm all about equality and parents supporting their kids' interests and talents, but they dressed this toddler boy as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for Halloween.  I'm sorry your child turned out to be a boy when you wanted a girl, but this is not how you cope with that. Luckily for Brock ('s mom), he was the only male in the competition so he won every single award.  Kind of the like the blue ribbon of participation.  Except to earn it, he had to dance to a Barbie song and tell the camera he was "hot."  Sigh.

As if this show didn't already entice pedophiles, Brock is a pervert's dream come true.  (Sorry, I think that's the SVU marathon I spent the past 6 hours watching talking).

Overall, Toddlers & Tiaras is a great social experiment on human behavior.  (No, it isn't.  I'm just telling myself it is so that when I likely continue to watch every week (come on, you try to watch and not get hooked), I can tell myself there is some redeeming value.)

I do have one final observation, which is more of a question.  Why do all the pageant kids own chickens?  Is that some sort of prerequisite to pageantry?

Maybe they'll answer that one next week. I'm sure I'll be tuned in.