Show me the (trophies, crowns and) money! - Toddlers & Tiaras - July 13, 2011

My Wednesday night indulgence never fails - it always manages to find a way into my heart of pure disbelief.  This week's episode featured a high stakes contest - there was a $10,000 grand prize to award at the Universal Royalty National Pageant.  Any age from baby to adult can win.  Annette Hill, the director (whose voice carried some resemblance to Oprah's), said "Get your rhinestone boxing gloves on!" so we knew this was going to be a real match!

image courtesy of creamcontemporary.com

The first mother-daughter duo we met consisted of Fransoly and Dianely, who live in Indiana.  Dianely really wants to be a gymnast but according to her mom, her arms were getting too strong (if only this was my problem) so she had to stop practicing gymnastics.  Dianely is way beyond her years - when her mom stuck her flipper (see definition in 6/29/11 post) in her mouth, Dianely said "The glue tastes like something you should not have in your mouth."  There is a reason for that, Dianely.

image courtesy of indystar.com

Her mom Fran, on the other hand, isn't the brightest crayon in the box.  In fact, she is probably the only crayon in the box because she berated her seven year old daughter for liking every color in the rainbow and said that she could only like one color.  When Dianely completely forgot her routine mid-competition (part of me thinks she threw it but maybe I have too much Big Brother on my mind), Fran said that what she feared most happened.  Good thing death and public speaking are long gone in the world.

only one?  image courtesy of monkey-bowl.blogspot.com

We headed to Edna, Texas and met the inspiration for the song "Whatever Lola Wants" ---

Whatever Lola wants/Lola gets/Take off your coat/Don't you know you can't win?

Lola's parents, Ray and Lynn, completely support her pageantry, but it is her aunt, MaLee, that is her trainer/coach/most beloved family member.  The show gets a little awkward whenever Lynn is by Lola's side and Lola is screaming out that she wants MaLee instead.

I'm not a parent, so maybe I shouldn't judge, but providing your child with "dance candy," which is literally cubes of sugar, doesn't seem like the best reward for completing a dance routine.  Unfortunately, this is Lola's world, and her parents are also the ones who told her that her sister would take her place in the competition if she didn't behave.  Her mom did say that she thinks that competing is helping Lola become a better person (Lola's catchphrase was yelling "Trophies, crowns and money!" during the episode - definitely on her way to becoming a philanthropist).

Oh, and Lola's dress for the competition cost $1,150.  When her mother first said "eleven fifty" I thought maybe she got a bargain.  But then I realized this figure wasn't a dollar and a half above $10.  $1,150 for a chance to win $10,000.  My washer and dryer didn't even cost that and they were a sure thing!  I hope the three year old can at least reuse the dress for a Halloween costume and a chance to score more "dance candy" in the fall.

image courtesy of monstersandcritics.com

Finally, we met Hailey, a seven year old competitor.  As her older sister, Samantha, was preparing her for the pageant, Hailey cried because Samantha pulled her hair back too hard and poked her in the eye with mascara.  Joey, Hailey's reasonable mother said that she doesn't want to lose the 10 grand, not just for a couple of tears and a poke.  After the family caused some drama by arriving late at the pageant, Hailey performed.  "You did real good," Samantha told her.  Luckily, the grammar pageant already passed.

image courtesy of etonline.com

Annette Hill announced all the contestants ("Miss Di-an-ELLLLY!" was the most Oprah-sounding line she had) and finally, the winners.  One of the male judges was the most impressed with the 18+ age group (...shocking?) and Hannah, a 20 year old brought home the gold.  Actually, she brought home $10,000 in cash, carefully arranged in the shape of a fan.  Guess Lola didn't get whatever she wanted this time.

Brock and Roll - Toddlers and Tiaras, July 6, 2011

Last night I undertook the task of watching Toddlers & Tiaras.  While I'll admit I've dabbled in watching this show before, I've never sat through an entire episode.  I certainly was under the impression this show would be 30 minutes, and not an entire hour of the trainwreck it was.  But I endured the hour, and came up with some fascinating observations.

First and foremost, I could not write about Toddlers & Tiaras without discussing the Pageant Director and the other pageant personnel, including the judges.  First off, how does one get these jobs?  Second of all, are the hair and makeup people prohibited from working on the pageant personnel?  Seriously!  Do they try to look like crap, as not to "upstage" the small supermodels?  It's sad, really.  But, I digress.

My next burning observation involved the world of children's competitive sports, in general.  I was under the impression that kids this age played tee ball.  You know, a sport that doesn't keep score in order to foster the competitive spirit, but not to make anyone else feel bad.  Whatever happened to the generic blue ribbon of participation, that every kid got, just for showing up, as to make sure everyone was treated equally.

 

Image courtesy of Cracked.com

Clearly, Savannah and her family never heard of such a thing.  Nor have they ever head the old adage "a quitter never wins."  Savannah "quit pageants" because she lost once.  Let's have a round of applause for Savannah's mom, for teaching her daughter the lesson that when the going gets tough, you can just drop out.  Then again, Savannah's mom wore a "Team Edward" t-shirt throughout the entire pageant, so maybe we shouldn't give her that much credit.

Image courtesy of www.gothicalchemist.com

Then we had Sydney.  Sydney was known as the "title stealer".  By who, I have no idea.  Apparently there were also "rumors" that Sydney "couldn't pull off glitz."  Once again, these rumors have not made it to me yet.  And trust me, I read TMZ daily.  I know rumors.

Image courtesy of www.daylife.com

Sydney also went tanning, as seems par for the course for a "full glitz" pageant.  Her tanning specialist was told they were going to go "very dark."  Seems to me that if this is what it takes to be a pageant winner, Snookie's got these things in the bag, no? 

Image courtesy of www.ehow.com

Last, but certainly not least, we had Brock.  The sole male competitor.  Brock was a self-proclaimed Diva, and he loved everything.  He loved spray tanning, and he loved dancing.  But most of all, Brock loved his best friends, his dolls, Lexi and Rebecca.  I kid you not.

Image courtesy of aolnews.com

I'm all about equality and parents supporting their kids' interests and talents, but they dressed this toddler boy as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for Halloween.  I'm sorry your child turned out to be a boy when you wanted a girl, but this is not how you cope with that. Luckily for Brock ('s mom), he was the only male in the competition so he won every single award.  Kind of the like the blue ribbon of participation.  Except to earn it, he had to dance to a Barbie song and tell the camera he was "hot."  Sigh.

As if this show didn't already entice pedophiles, Brock is a pervert's dream come true.  (Sorry, I think that's the SVU marathon I spent the past 6 hours watching talking).

Overall, Toddlers & Tiaras is a great social experiment on human behavior.  (No, it isn't.  I'm just telling myself it is so that when I likely continue to watch every week (come on, you try to watch and not get hooked), I can tell myself there is some redeeming value.)

I do have one final observation, which is more of a question.  Why do all the pageant kids own chickens?  Is that some sort of prerequisite to pageantry?

Maybe they'll answer that one next week. I'm sure I'll be tuned in.