The (Water) Heat(er) is On - Bachelorette, July 11, 2011

The Emily Interview:

Image courtesy of poptower.com

Let's get this out of the way first.  This was useless.  Emily informed us what we already knew - that she and Brad were broken up.  She offered no reasons as to what happened, and kept telling us "he will always be a huge part of my life." Um.. I don't know about you, but when I break up with someone, they are not still a huge part of my life and I don't text with them on a daily basis.  To me, someone who is a huge part of your life, who you text on a daily basis = A RELATIONSHIP.

Also, why don't her teeth move when she talks?  It's weird to look at.

The Bachelorette:

Now that that's done with, we can discuss the real drama. Or lack there of.  I found this episode to be pretty boring, to be honest.  But here are the highlights (or at least what I thought were the highlights).

The first one-on-one date Ashley chose in Taiwan (or is it Taipei?) was Constantine.  Let's call him "Connie", shall we?  I asked myself, "why, Ashley, did you pick Connie?"  Then it dawned on me.  Ashley really meant for the date to be with Ben F., but she, like the rest of us, cannot tell them apart.

Brothers from another mother?  Image courtesy of lifeasacaliforniawife.blogspot.com

Ashley and Connie wrote on this large tarp-like thing that the Taiwan residents duped them into thinking was a "love wish."  To which Connie, the genius, remarked "oh, we're making a wish?"

Connie and Ashley then proceeded to dinner, which felt like more of an interview than a date.  Connie just doesn't seem all too interested.  At the end of their date, they released their "love wish" into the air, along with tons of other people who just happened to release theirs at the exact same time.  You say "love wish", I say massive atmospheric pollution.  Potato, Potah-to.

The next one-on-one was with Ben F.  I'm pretty sure Ashley set this up to cover all bases, just in case Connie was actually Ben F. and vice versa.

I believe I have a magical talent.  I actually can tell Connie and Ben F. apart, and I am a much bigger fan of Ben F., just for the record.

Ben F. and Ashley went on a moped scooter sort of thing throughout Taiwan.  Ben told Ashley "this is a hell of a second date, kiddo" and something about her being "precious cargo."  Is he trying to be her date or her dad?

Ben also said that he felt "love" when they were on the scooter.  Bad news, Benny.  That wasn't "love".  That was Ashley's platform, white Steve Madden shoes circa 1997 digging into your back that you were feeling.  Ouch! Those are bulky!

Image courtesy of 2newshoes.com

Ben F. did not return to the house until the next morning, which is way out of Bachelor character. I do not remember a handwritten note from Chris Harrison asking them if they wished to forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy suite.

Thankfully, Ben informed the other Bachelors that he and Ashley stayed in separate rooms.  Do we believe that?  I was inclined to believe it... until I saw Ben F.'s outfit.  He returned that morning wearing shorts, a suit jacket and a snow hat.  If that doesn't say "walk of shame", I'm not sure what does.

The final one-on-one date goes to Ryan, and it's about time.  He cannot contain his excitement and he does some weird move where he smacks his elbow over and over.  Hmm.  He also explains his excitement by saying "the wait, the anticipation, the sleepless nights."  Those reactions combined with the elbow hitting may be contagious.  He should get that checked out.  Does Ryan remind anyone of Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover? They have the same "I'm on crack" quality about them.

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While Ryan is gleaming, JP cannot contain his jealousy.  JP is turning into Chantal from last season, and he needs to get over it fast.  Although it seems to work for him, since his jealousy is what gets him the rose on the group date.

Ah, the group date.  Why does ABC like to pick the most awkward date settings this season?  First a fake wedding, then a roast, and now wedding photos.  

The guys are decent sports about it.  JP says that Ames' outfit looks like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.  Hot. And, quite accurate. 

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Image courtesy of blog.karmona.com

Image courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Lucas makes a comment on how the outfit he has gotten stuck wearing is a dress.  Ashley tries to make him feel better by saying "that's not a dress, it's a long shirt."  Oh the irony of this statement, as 90% of the outfits Ashley wears on the Bachelorette are, in fact, not dresses either, but long shirts.

Finally, we have Ryan's long-awaited one-on-one date with Ashley.  Ashley shows up wearing a "shirt" (can we even call it that?) that has to be staying on with some sort of garment tape.  There is no back whatsoever.  It more so resembles that vest you wear when you're getting an x-ray, than it does a shirt.

Image courtesy of freerepublic.com

As could have been predicted, Ryan's crazy prevents him from carrying on a normal person conversation.  It seems as though he speaks and functions in fast-forward.  Maybe all that time in the sun has damaged his brain.  Whatever it is, Ashley takes note and isn't enjoying herself.  Ashley asks Ryan a question about Tai Chi, which Ryan is all too happy to explain.  Why does he know this?  Apparently Ryan is a jack of all trades.  But it seems like he knows a little about everything, and a lot about nothing.  Except for water heaters.

Ashley asks Ryan to tell her something she wouldn't know about living eco-friendly.  Well, this opens the flood gates and sends Ryan on a diatribe about water heaters.  I, for one, cannot think of a more romantic conversation.  But it seems like Ashley can and she politely escorts Ryan off of the show forever.

Ryan becomes angry and starts cursing!  But he was just so happy! Who is this dark, angry man?  This may be an obscure reference, but this is strikingly similar to my favorite episode of Boy Meets World.  Eric meets this overly-perky girl, Karina, at a coffee shop.  She sings sweet songs with her guitar... until Eric dumps her.  Then she gets this rage thing going and is able to sell her edgy music.

Image courtesy of fyeahhboymeetsworld.tumblr.com

Maybe Ryan can use his new 'edge' for good? Maybe he can meet Karina and they can sing about sunshine and rainbows and water heaters together?

In the end, Ashley also bids adieu to Lucas, which was not really surprising.  Back to Texas he goes to do whatever he does with oil.

And the Bachelorette world gets a little bit less southern without Lucas, and a little bit darker without Ryan in it.  Hopefully Ryan can go fix the new pollution problem Taiwan is likely to have after the release of all those "love wishes."